Sexy Stanley

Note the very short legs…not the, er, other thing.

My parents had a Jack Russell called Stan. Stan was a grumpy, growly little dog with abnormally short legs and very large, er, equipment, which, combined, made him extremely horny.

Stan would hump most things, but had a predilection for rubber. No wellington boots were safe, nor hosepipes or macs… He was a randy little bugger.

He also had a thing about logs. Unfortunately, after particularly energetic sessions with his favourite tree stump, he would sometimes end up with a splinter in his wee willy, which meant that my father would have to capture him and stuff him into a zip-up military cloth-bag, with just his head sticking out. The bottom half of the bag would then be unzipped and my mother would localise the splinter with tweezers while Stan snapped and snarled at the top end.

Another object of affection was the TV stand — one of those 1950s-type jobs with a single metal leg and a cross at the bottom for stability. Stan would often feel especially sexy mid-afternoon and would give the stand a good seeing-to, making the telly traverse the room in jerks — potentially embarrassing if guests had come for afternoon tea. The only thing that put an end to this, they discovered one Christmas, was holly draped over the base of the stand. This became a year-round feature…and talking point.